Post by MudBug on Sept 24, 2012 11:45:01 GMT -6
NAME
[style=background-color: #414b5a; height: 13px; font-size: 12px; font-family: palatino linotype; color: #e1e1e1; text-align: center;]AGE • GENDER • SPECIES • HOME • RANK • PHOTO
APPEARANCE
Paura's appearance is likeness of any one of her species. A sturdily built body, short in stature but muscular, and a tail that goes on forever. Her coat is a spectacular golden hue covered in dark spots, over almost every inch of her frame, save for her underside which is a long wide stretch of ghost white.
The one thing that might stand out to most about her is her rather grander size. She's a tad larger for an Amur, especially a female. Her eyes are a tad special, but only once you get a good look. They're a bright golden hue, and shine bright when he light hits them, though they can also look a muddy brown if cast in shadow.
Special Markings
large stature, bright eyes
Eye Color
golden hazel
Items
none
PERSONALITY
In reality, Paura's personality is a mystery. She does not like her true nature, and so covers it in a carefully crafted facade. On the outside, the way she wishes she could really be, is sweet, gentle, and lighthearted, what everyone wants to be. Not that she wishes to be a spineless jellyfish, but she fears that if she were to let even the slightest bit of her true grit show through, it may take over. She does a fairly good job at this, trying to convince others, and herself, that she does not have a much darker side. But, with that said, it is not a simple case of split personalities. There is no clear line between the two parts of herself. They both seem to intertwine in the most puzzling ways, showing their forms in different ways at different times. This equals out to a very unpredictable feline, to say the least.
Her darker side, is not the usual sense of the idea. She's not a closet serial killer, or secretly plotting to take over the world, or do anything of consequence really. But, deep down, though she hates to admit it, there is a much colder Paura, pushing to get out. A calculating, spiteful, overbearing, selfish, and incredibly emotional soul. She was born with this monster in her heart, and it has been her lifelong battle to disarm it. But, so long as it lives in her, she's always afraid of it rearing it's ugly head.
Afraid, fear, it is a constant part of Paura. Fear of so many things. Fear of losing the battle with herself, fear of that self hurting others, fearing of her hurting herself. It's a miracle one so afraid of their very own heart is capable of carrying out a life, but that is all part of the fight. She knows, infallibly, that if she were to crawl off into her own heart, she would not surface as the same cat. So, she chooses to ignore it. It is her logic that years of simply acting the opposite of her darker side, will help to purge it. Almost like ridding yourself of a craving for something that causes you harm.
Her lighter side is nothing complex, she likes it that way. A simple personality is much easier to cast on herself. Of course, this leads to her more troubling side to show through when things get complicated, but she's growing, ever so slowly, to control it. She's not a goofball, or particularly silly. She does have a sense of humor, though she's not prone to loud bouts of laughter. A small giggle or chuckle is the most you can usually get out of her, though she is quick to smile. She likes to avoid problems, drama, the like. It's hard to keep up a happy go lucky persona when you build this world around yourself that is bound to fall apart. For this very reason, she does not let many other in. She knows that the best parts of herself she can manage are all cast on the outside, so why would she want to let anyone inside the dark cold cellar that holds her monster?
When things do get hard, she goes for a swim. Many find it strange, and she doesn't argue with them, but she loves water. She loves how it flows around her, over her, washing her coat clean of dirt and filth. She likes how weightless she feels when she's submerged up to her neck. Often times, when it's a nice day and she has nothing else to do, she'll find a river with a soft current and just let it carry her along. She compares it to being carried away in a strong pair of arms. She's not sure why she feels so safe in the water, but it's one of few things that bring her the purest joy, so she dare not jinx it with her cynical introspection.
Paura is a very proud cat, she just doesn't know it. Her pride does not show in a cocky, arrogant, or "I am always right" sort of way, but it's very subtle. It affects her decisions, and way of looking at things, when she often doesn't realize it. This, you could say, is a way of her feared self poking through. She's selfish, though she tries to fight it. She often does not see it herself, but can see it if others point it out. Of course, seeing a problem, and fixing it are two completely different things. Generally she's shy, but not completely because she wants to be. Just one more branch stemming from the tree of fear she's gotten herself stuck in.
Once you get to know her, if you can manage to get close to her, she will bloom quite nicely. You will most definitely see her worse sides, but the good side might also be richer aswell, if you can find a way to help her build it.
Likes
swimming, children, keeping to herself
Dislikes
being vulnerable, being emotional, losing control of herself
Fears
being alone, losing control of herself, slipping into permanent depression
Goals
have a family, be kind to everyone, be the girl she wants to be
Mental Disorders
none
HISTORY
Paura's history holds the key to knowing her, inside and out. Of course, as far as she's concerned, that key was thrown away long ago. Paura's mother was so much like herself, but not the self that Paura wants to be. Her mother was every ounce of herself that she fights to be rid of. She cared nothing for a her sons, simply keeping them alive until they ran off to be find females of their own. Paura was the apple of her eye, whether that was a blessing or a curse Paura is still not sure. Her father was simply absent, her entire life. For this very reason her mother overcompensated in the self confidence building aspect. Her worst fear was the Paura would be weak, helpless, simply waiting around to bare the fruits of some male. Of course, none of this sounded fun to Paura either, so her mother was her hero for most of her life.
Of course, what her mother failed to predict, was the ironic dependence that Paura would place on her mother. They were a team, a unit, the strong female presence, until it simply changed. Paura was older now, over a year, and her mother grew tired of the permanence of her child. Paura never thought that she was being raised to be strong to leave her mother. She thought her mother would want a strong companion throughout her life, but she was wrong. One morning, in a sadly quiet exchange, her mother left. A few words were exchanged, nothing dramatic, but it was clear that Paura was being sent out on her own, indefinitely. She was not sure what to do at first, she did not want to be alone. But, where could she find anyone other than the lifesucking males that only sought to bare their own heirs? It took days, weeks even, of uncertain meandering for Paura's thoughts to make anything of her new life. She could not see her future, it was like her life had come to stand in an empty white room.
Suddenly, in a heart wrenching epiphany, she realized just how wrong she had been. Her mind saw her mother in a new light, a frightening light, a light that cast her in darkness. Then, she realized just how thoroughly she had been molded in that same image. Carefully crafted as her mother's tool of rebellion, only to be grown tired of her and leave her to fend for herself with her mother's dreary views on existence. In one last feat of strength and resolve, she vowed to be anything other than the female who had raised her. She promised to herself to be careful with her opinions, and try her hardest to watch her actions, her emotions, for any trace of the horrid cat she was raised to be. Intent on changing herself, she set out to find a life, a different life. A life that flew in the face of her mother's off putting opinions, and bitter hatred.
Mother
Martina, living.
Father
Paul, living.
Siblings
Unknown.
Birthplace
North.
Key Memories
Father and brothers leaving, mother using her, leaving her mother to be on her own.
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